Kiss & Tell List! Blog

ARE YOU a single parent looking for a new partner in life? Perhaps you are presently, seeking dates, or MORE…through suggested social networking. However, you know that as a parent, you have an obligation and a responsibility to make sure your children have normal, healthy lives … and above all are SAFE within the confines of your world and their home! Therefore, there is NO room for naivety or mistakes that may affect their physical or mental health for the rest of their lives; especially as a result of your choice in partners. So what do you do?

Who can you trust today with your children, if you wish to become seriously involved romantically? After all, your kids needs, trust, and security, is dependent upon your decisions… and thus, they are naturally your priority to protect from harm’s way.

Let’s suppose you are lonely and in need of attention and affection. Maybe you like to “party” in spite of the fact you are a parent. Perhaps you simply are seeking an occasional dinner and a movie because you miss companionship. You are still feeling your oats and wish to seek a sexual encounter or the excitement of ROMANCE! If the shoe fits… When using the online dating services or social networks, you have opened the door for predators.

So now that you are newly divorced or widowed, are you acutely aware of the dangers of communicating online through the Internet dating services?

Online predators prey among those they sense are vulnerable. They lure and target their prey, as they are the hunters; expert in knowing how to seduce, through lavishing attention, affection, and even gifts for their eventual reward. Time is NOT of the essence and they may wait for as long as a year to gain your trust. Your trust enables them to eventually reach your child. The Internet is an expansive, virtual playground, for predators and pedophiles to anonymously seek victims.

BE AWARE…If using the advantages of online social networking for dating purposes, then exercise stringent discipline and boundaries, when considering a serious relationship, and most of all, exercise your common sense! Number one rule as a parent…never let your heart rule your head. NEVER!

The following are (10) online dating tips to remember when communicating through the Internet dating services, chat rooms, emailing, or instant messaging. Minimize the risk of an online predator!

1. Upon INITIALLY meeting someone online, remain anonymous. Do NOT discuss private information relating to your family, regardless of disclosures given by those you are communicating with. That may be another method to gain your trust.
2. Avoid immediate invitation to meet. Do not invite a stranger met online into your home; especially to meet your children.
3. Do NOT introduce your dates that you have met online, until you have a serious ongoing relationship.
4. RED FLAG! Compliments given often and too soon for comfort
5. RED FLAG! Promises of travel, gifts, help, or meeting the family too soon into your home; especially to meet the children.
6. BEST ADVICE! Try to restrict your communications and dating online to only those who live LOCALLY or within a reasonable proximity of your town or city. The Reason? You have a better chance of meeting his/her friends and family; learning if that person is reputable.
7. If becoming serious - investigate the person’s background (see “Kiss & Tell List!” Investigative Tools). You cannot be too careful! Does this individual have a criminal record? Even if he/she has never been caught, that doesn’t mean your child is safe!
8. Has the person you have considered as a partner, admitted that they collect porn magazines or erotic videos? Have you seen or found such materials in their home or car? THIS IS A DEFINITE RED FLAG! It is unwise to allow a potential partner, expose your children to explicit or sexual content, as he/she could be a pedophile or WORSE! RECONSIDER!
9. Listen to your children! Are they uncomfortable or frightened by the individual you met online? LISTEN!!!
10. BE CAREFUL, BE CAUTIOUS, BE SAFE!!! Exercise safe dating for yourself and those you love …

For those of you who have successfully met “your special someone” online, we wish you and your family, much happiness in all your future endeavors!

Katie Piper was raised in a loving family environment, in Andover, Hampshire, England.  Once a model with a bright future for a career as a Television Presenter, Katie fell prey to a  monster, innocently met on Facebook.  At age 22, she left her loving family to reach out on her own and moved to London to further her career.  Little did she know that two years later on March 31, 2008, that she would become a victim of a violent crime as a result of meeting someone online.

Within months of her becoming independent in London, she was a model and host for a shopping channel.  At age 24, her beautiful face was destroyed in an instant by a man who was hired by her former boyfriend, who threw sulfuric acid in her face.  today, she is 26 and an inspiration, because though riddled with horrific memories of that evil day, turned something very bad into something very good.  She has since told her story to ABC’s 20/20, and as a result, sponsors supports The Katie Piper Foundation for burned victims.  Read and take heed for this is her chilling story!

FLASHBACK!  Approximately two weeks prior to the horrific attack, Piper had begun dating Danny Lynch, a 33 year old martial arts enthusiast.  Apparently, he had originally seen her at a  martial arts match as a “ring girl.”  However, their first initial contact was through Facebook.  “The first initial contact was on Facebook, where he messaged me … his profile picture was him in a martial arts outfit.  And then, the next few days we carried on, talking online, and eventually swapped numbers.  I really sort of quite fancied him, and the whole image he portrayed to me I really liked.  It was an intense relationship in that he was affectionate, and … whenever I wasn’t with him … he was calling me or texting me or emailing me and wanted to see me.”

One night, soon after they met, a nightmare ensued, for she was violently beaten and raped.  “I remember thinking about my mom and dad and all my friends, thinking I’m never gonna see them again.  I genuinely didn’t think I would live and he was just unhinged, unstable, and extremely violent.”  Scared for her life … she promised him she would keep this frightening experience a secret, but to no avail.

Petrified, Katie returned to her apartment,  not leaving it for several days; but upon her return, immediately shared her experience with a close friend.  He harassed her with numerous messages, asking her “Have I ruined things between us?”  Wanting to get this man out of her life, she agreed to his final request and agreed to go to a local Internet Cafe’, to read a message he had posted on her Facebook page.  This request was via telephone and contingent upon a promise made that he would leave her alone and not contact her any further if she complied.

She was still talking to him as she left her building.  She thought it odd that he was asking  strange questions regarding the description of her clothing and hair. She was still conversing with Lynch, when  three separate security cameras installed on a London street, captured a video of Stefan Sylvestre, a 19 year old, splashing Katie’s face with sulfuric  acid.  “Danny was on the phone listening to me screaming … It’s so painful … So bad, and I knew straight away that it was to do with Danny.  He said he’d get me.  He said he’d destroy me, and … and he’d done it,” Piper said.

An ongoing police investigation revealed that Lynch had a long history of violence, discovering that he once before served a prison sentence for a similar incident … throwing boiling water into a man’s face!  Katie Piper bravely faced her attacker just a few feet away in the courtroom, and as a result, Stefan Sylvestre, guilty of “bodily harm,” received a life sentence, with a minimum of twelve years in prison.  Lynch received two life sentences, serving a minimum of sixteen years in prison.

It took a great deal of inner strength and courage for Katie and her family to come forth and tell the world of her horrific and frightening experience.  The perpetrators who attempted to destroy Katie Piper, are now imprisioned, unable to harm innocent women online.  What about YOU? Do you have a story to tell, that could save some innocent victim online from a cruel act such as Katie endured?  Do you have the courage to put someone who you may not even know, perhaps a stranger’s welfare, ahead of your own? This is not about exploiting Katie’s story!  This is about the gratification of saving someone from the heartache and devastation that either gender endures when meeting a predator online.  Please …think about it … IF you have a story to tell … for the sake of those you love, family and friends … TELL your story! Exercise and promote safe dating!

Just consider me Winner In The End.  My story did not start here though.  Some people are lucky in life … all the right things just “happen” to them.  They are in the right place at the right time; they fall in love, marry their childhood sweetheart and die with that person after a life filled with love, trust and respect.

You might have read my other story, telling of a marriage that ended after more than 17 years together, suffering a huge financial investment loss in a life long business dream all from an impulse of adultery.   Suffice it to say that sometime the odds are in your favor.  There is life (and love) after divorce or suffering a loss.  Much to my surprise, it can even be found through online dating sites!

At a suggestion of a friend, I found myself setting up a profile on Match.Com.  Now granted, it was after a few glasses of my favorite red wine, and let’s just say that my inhabitions were down …so exactly what did I have to lose?????  I look back at that profile which was not well written and probably  sounded a little pompous and smile  at where it lead me.  My screen name was “JaguarPrincess,” and I thought I was.  My tag line “Rendez Vous and You.”  It worked, without a picture I almost immediately started getting winks and email messages coming in.  What a boost to a wounded ego.  Over the next day I put some serious thought and time into writing my profile and uploading some pictures.  A one week trial turned into a three month subscription.  In the end I think I had (at last check) more than 8,000 hits to my page!!!

I did meet a few men, usually after several detailed email messages between us.  One “friend’ and I have still never met in person, but email on a regular basis sharing in each other’s lives.  Although I have never met him in person, I consider him to be a good friend.  Now, don’t get me wrong … there were a few crazies.  These were the guys who basically just wanted cyber sex talk through the technology of instant messaging.  Thank goodness it was easy to get rid of them!  All in all my experiences were positive.  Many nice, kind men with a lot to offer the right person.

I didn’t know that day in May, at the Starbuck’s in Webster, NY, that I had met the man I would plan to marry, thanks to the miracle of Match.Com.  He was sweet, and smart and so very sad from some personal life changing issues that he was tackling in his life.  I immediately realized that we shared many things in common.  As much as we had in common, we were very different.  We came from different places, had very different backgrounds.  Still I could not deny that there was something there.  I just wasn’t sure what.  Coming through the storm of a very bad divorce, I took it slow.  Good thing … the relationship developed naturally.  It was being built on a level of trust, love and commitment, and not just with me, but with my children, family and friends.  I found that not every man out there is going to let you down.  Not every man is capable of hurting you so deep that you can barely pick yourself up off the floor and carry on. Over time this man has become my best friend.  We finish each other’s thoughts and sentences, he reads me like a book (sometimes too well); he is much more a part of my children’s lives than their own father has chosen to be.  I thank God every day that he came into my life, that I was smart enough to realize that all the material things I had in my past did not matter in finding someone who would truly be a perfect “match.”  Three cheers for Match.Com for being the vehicle that got me to where I am now.  As I said earlier, I am the Winner In The End!

Blogged by: Winner In The End of Rochester, NY

Before sharing any significant personal information with someone online or certainly before meeting them, confirm who you are dealing with. Check out their identity.  Avoid the problem, don’t become part of it.

Let’s start with something basic that everyone should know by now; not everyone using online dating sites is honest.  In some cases, it can be much more than an issue of honesty. For example, scam artists are actively working the online dating world and trying to take your money. 

Use simple background checks to find out if they are the person they say they are.  Basic background checks are free and easy to use. It’s especially important to confirm their identity before meeting them in person. Even something as simple as sharing a telephone number or address requires a degree of caution, when you don’t really know the person you’re dealing with.

Meeting people online is very easy. You begin by joining a dating service and creating a profile. Keep in mind that some services will offer free trial periods and some even offer free, basic memberships. Once that profile is complete, you can upload a photo, which is highly recommended. Many people use online dating services that ask detailed questions, providing you with more information to find your ideal match.

Check out who you’re chatting with online, with a simple telephone lookup. You’re already familiar with looking up a telephone number when you have a person’s name, but did you know you can look up a name or address, when you have their telephone number.

Use a reverse telephone lookup to confirm information about the person you’re talking to online. If you have an address, use a reverse address lookup.  This simple and free background check will in many cases tell you the person’s age, residence, whether they’re married or not, and whether they’re in a business. This is very useful information.

Advanced background checks such as a public records lookup, will get you additional information. For example, check public records to find out if there are any divorces, bankruptcy, criminal records, or law suits. While you may not want to go this far initially, if you start getting serious, it may be time to take this step.

Pay attention to what you learn. It’s a red flag, if you find out something that’s inconsistent with what you’ve already been told.

Visit Kiss & Tell List! Look for tips on basic online dating background checks. Be safe, exercise safe dating!

A friend of mine recently wrote me an email telling me her personal story … from her heart! Her message, so beautifully and courageously expressed. Here is her story …

 ”So how many of you are familiar with the song by Chris Daughrty ‘Home’ and the words ‘be careful what you wish for’ cause you might just get it all.  You just might get it all and then  some you don’t want.’  I still remember these lyrics ringing in my head as tears rolled down my face.  Knowing that the reality of what I ended up with was not what I ever wanted!

From an outsider looking in, it appeared as if I (we) had it all.  A nice house in the upscale suburbs of Rochester, NY.  Two beautiful children, vacations several times a year in the Caribbean and Aspen, a 50 foot yacht, I drove the latest model Jaguar, had designer clothing and handbags and jewelry galore.  A picture perfect life right?

After deciding to sell a number of real estate holdings, we invested in ‘our’ dream.  A resort marina on a bay off Lake Ontario.  He graduated with a degree in Hotel/Resort Management many years earlier, with a lifelong dream to put that education to use.  I have always been driven to the field of entertainment.  Call me a Martha of sorts…Cooking since almost the time I began to walk, I grew up in an Italian family, had taken many gourmet cooking classes and learned this business was what I was meant to do. With a 250 slip marina, a 5 bedroom inn and a 15,000 sq. foot restaurant and banquet facility, I thought this was finally it.  The 80 hours a week spent at the business while trying to balance life, our home and the children was the short term cost for something that was supposed pay off in the end, or so I thought.

Looking back I should have realized that despite the little up’s and downs of marriage, there was something negative rooted far deeper in this man I married and loved for over 17 years.  Perhaps it was his own upbringing and the torn family that he came from.  A life of multiple marriages from both his mother and his father.  His father finally marrying a woman barely older than his son and more than 20 years his junior.  His mother finally married to the man she was unfaithful with through both of her marriages.  I married a man with a true lack of moral values and respect for the vows that one takes standing before family, friends, an officiater and God. It’s funny the events in life that the human mind protects you from.  Like the time that he had another ‘little indiscretion’ with a child.  Yes, a child, a teen who was enamored by her JV tennis coach.  I guess you can call it postpartum, but after just having a baby my mind allowed me to put it in a deep hidden place.

Years Later, at my place of business, in front of all my boating friends, in a small farm town community where word spread like wild fire, the affair with a 19 year old waitress from our business was less easy to hide.  Hardly a woman, and 5 years older than our daughter it was the end of our marriage.  The decisions that he made he still feels are ‘justified.’ I find it hard to justify breaking up a family, disgracing yourself and your business reputation, and running your financial stability into the ground.  It is even harder to accept this when the 19 year old girlfriend leaves - realizing that the picture might not turn out to be as glowing as it once appeared.

I know that I am not the only one with a story like this to tell. I am sure that there are thousands of you out there.  I believe that there are some deep rooted mental issues with my ex-husband.  Age is not ‘just a number’ as he tried to tell me, especially when the women (girls) are barely or not even legal to engage in this level of relationship.  My intention for writing this is the hope of  warning those of you who may be communicating with him on various sites. He has lost his      clarity on moral issues of what is right and what is wrong; seeks the control of younger women. The user name he once was using was JScottL.  I think he may have also used Justlooking223. He had several on many sites.   I do not know if he is still actively on them, but my intention is warning you especially if you are a younger woman.  Please know that despite all these ‘wrong’ men we may find, there are great ones out there.  All my best!

Winner In The End!”

Next month, the saga continues…look for Winner In The End, Part II.  We welcome your comments.

Early morning, Wednesday, July 15th, my partner and I were on the radio in Savannah, GA., discussing “Kiss & Tell List!” with the D.J., requesting a response from the listening audience.  One of the listeners called in by the name of Rachel.  She said that she successfully met her soul mate online; however dated several men previously, and knew when initially meeting them for a drink, or whatever, if that person was right for her.  Okay! Now what is wrong with this picture?

To begin with, we all know that “chemistry” is of the utmost importance upon meeting someone from an online dating service, for future dates or even a partnership.  What happens though…when the chemistry is there?  The woman or man sitting opposite you is absolutely charming and saying all of the things you need to hear for you to want to proceed to the next level.  You like this person! 

There is just one problem!  You may be sitting opposite a professional con artist; someone you would never suspect of deliberately hurting you.  The point is this!  If you decide within your initial meeting this person does not ”turn you on,” then nothing gained, nothing lost.  However, one must always remember, that upon an initial meeting, even two or three, one does not truly know what someone’s true agenda is, when sitting opposite you exuding the chemistry you so desire.  Many believe that they possess the innate ability to detect when someone is on the level; believing that they are perceptive about people based on someone’s demeanor or looks. You may be in for a rude awakening if you are one of those people because you could be dealing with a sociopath or psychopath. Both basically reflect the same symtoms. 

You will never know by simply dating someone, who appears very special, if they have narcissistic tendancies.  It may take several dates and in depth discussions to determine if this is a red flag.  These are people who appear confident, often extremely intelligent, professing to be superior or intellectual.  They believe they can achieve anything others cannot.

What is a Sociopath? Here are some red flags or signs to watch for when dating someone you do not truly know.  Are they loners? Have they introduced you within a reasonable period to friends and family?  If not, it could be a sign of someone who is anti-social.  Do they lack empathy?  Such people are intensely angered by anything that suggests a flaw in their nature.  They may not be a serial killer, but they are capable of compulsive behavior which in their minds entitles them to do things beyond your comprehension, with little concern for the effects on others.  People who suffer from this personality disorder, lead them to actions that can range from puzzling to brutal, often inflicting or imposing emotional or physical pain on family members and friends.  This disease is so hard for a healthy partner to detect as they cleverly cover their true feelings by acting charming and logical much of the time.  They may even convince you that you are the one who is wrong and possibly “crazy!” 

To learn more about the disease as a preventative measure when dating, I am suggesting a highly recommended book called “Tears and Healing by Richard Skerritt. He also wrote “Meaning From Madness - understanding the hidden patterns that motivate abusers: narcissists, borderlines, and sociopaths.” 

So…I  do want to make it clear that there are some wonderful men and women who truly are charming, who possess integrity, and have the capablity of loving someone in a healthy environment and relationship.  Yes!  You can even meet them online!  Just do not feel over-confident that you can assess a situation on the first, second, or third meeting.  Take your time and give someone a chance.  Perhaps they may not be as exciting as someone who is instantly charismatic; but maybe they will say ” I am the best thing that ever happened to you” and mean it. 

You may find out that it is true! 

kiss & Tell List!

On Wednesday evening, July 15th, I happened to be browsing my TV when I came upon the program,  “ABC Prime Time.”  It was about a man by the name of Jeffrey Marsalis, who obviously was not the “gentleman” that twenty-one women thought and later learned, when they decided to accept a date from him. 

The next day, I saw the following article in AOL and it bears repeating. Quoting an excerpt below:

The Many Faces of Jeffrey Marsalis

In april 2005, Jeffrey Marsalis was arrested and charged with multiple counts of rape.  Philadelphia police said he had been using an online profile to meet women whom he would date, drug and rape.  Twenty-one women in the Philadelphia area told police that Marsalis had raped or sexually assaulted them, all of which he denied.  Ten of these cases were prosecuted in two separate trials.

His colorful profile included many pictures of him in various assumed identities.  Including this souvenir NASA photo, altered so that his name appeared on the nametag. His profile described his ideal woman: “If you want to be my copilot on the magic carpet ride, it’s carry-on only, that means no stop signs, no stop lights, and throttle up.”

The following was a comment that followed in AOL the next morning.  It was another “prime” example to share: 

“I was a victim of sexual assault in early 2009.  When I went to the ER the next morning, I asked for a rape kit.  The sad thing is they only test for one drug-rufies.  There are probably dozens chemicals and substances out there that can be used and they only test for one.  I still do not remember anything of the incident, and there are no suspects in custody.  I feel for all these women, and I wish them all the best.  However, I beg to all other victims out there to not suppress, ignore, or deny the occurance. Every time you do, you allow the predator to victimize someone else.  How would any of you feel if your daughter, your sister, your mother, your friend were raped because someone else didn’t report that they had been raped by the same person? Be safe and smart everyone.”  Posted by:  economicsrocks 10:27 AM July 16th 

Most likely, the above excerpt from Jeffrey Marsalis’s profile was seen in several online dating sites.  However, I believe that Marsalis’s profile was discovered on Match.Com,  a  familiar site most use, when succumbing to online dating.

This is a ”prime example” of the many falsified profiles that exist in the many online dating services provided.  To some extent you must trust in order to date in this manner.  However, it is imperative that in doing so,  you also exercise what Kiss & Tell List! promotes, which is “safe dating!”  

Common sense and caution is a must when meeting a stranger.  If you … or anyone you know …  is dating someone who has been victimized by a predator using the dating sites as an opportunity for “date rape,” then report the experience to “Kiss & Tell List!” to help prevent others from this serious and frightening crime.  Your submitted experience costs nothing; but saving someone from harms way means everything!

So this is our dating tip!  A word to the wise!  To avoid “date rape,” when meeting someone for lunch, dinner, or a simple drink, DO NOT leave your drink at any point unaccompanied.  If you need to escape to the Ladies Room or Mens Room, finish your drink before leaving or re-order a fresh one upon returning. 

Always be aware of your surroundings and look for red flags when discussing the rest of your evening with that individual.  Unless you know the individual you are sharing your evening with very well, DO NOT go back to his/her home or yours to be safe!  If you are suddenly feeling ill or dizzy, be sure to alert the bartender or waitress, and take a CAB or call a mutual friend to return home.  Please remember what economicsrocks stated: “Be safe and smart everyone.” Do not throw caution to the wind. Exercise safe dating.

Jacey

Now Is Your Chance To Tell Your Story …
Do you have an online dating experience to share? Tell your story on Kiss &Tell List!; it’s free and confidential.

Protect others! Share your bittersweet stories of love/hate relationships you’ve encountered through online dating. Take control and feel a sense of closure once and for all. Expose someone who thoughtlessly abused your time, monies, energy, esteem, or even worse …your health!

Help others with their online dating through exposing: players, opportunists, predators, perverts, physical and emotional abusers, con artists and scammers. Expose their lies, agendas, marital status. Expose approaches used by con artists. Remember this can be done anonymously, if you wish.

Please understand that in sharing your story, you in turn will benefit each time someone enters your life through the dating services you have chosen.  Every day and every dating site you use invites a possible sole mate, love of your life … or a prepetrator!

Your privacy is important to us, so we do not display any personal information about you. You can feel confident in sharing your online dating story with Kiss & Tell List!  We treat all personal information as confidential and protect it.

Explore  Kiss & Tell List! Take a tour today.

The online dating sites have not been protective enough of filtering through their own profiles. Consequently, there is an abundance of abuse inflicted on those seriously attempting to find partnerships throughout this vast playground of opportunity, called the “Internet!”

These are some of the experiences that I am aware of, and I’d love to hear yours! For example, you have noticed identical profiles with different faces. Also, the profile may be intelligently written; however, the subsequent emails exchanged with you are gramatically poor, such as obvious misspellings and fragmented sentences with poor punctuation. How about this one? Every selection on their application for their profile has been checked. Every color, size, and interest has been selected and I believe that is definitely a “red flag.”

We would like to know your stories and experiences. Have you experienced any of the above and if so, what was your experience and reaction? Tell us of any other scams you’re noticing within dating site profiles. Kiss & Tell!

Explore KissAndTellList and share your story.

Kiss & Tell List! is a place to share your experiences with online dating sites and people met on them; a place where you can tell your own story.  Our members share their views of online dating - the good, the bad and ugly.

See what Kiss & Tell List! members  say about people they have  met online.  Avoid those who are considered “opportunists and players” or “scam artists”. Don’t waste your time; don’t risk your own personal safety. 

Before subscribing to a dating site, use our member’s feedback to evaluate it. See what our members are saying about dating sites in their own words.  Choose your dating sites wisely.

Use ”SingleSpace … a forum with decorum to state your case.” Participate in lively discussions about online dating, dating sites, and people met while dating. Read our dating tips. Confirm an individual’s identity prior to dating by using our investigative tips.

Take your tour of Kiss & Tell List! Begin discussions regarding: Who have you met online? What is your impression of online dating? What stories do you wish to share about your online dating experiences? Add a Story! Do you have dating tips to share? What are your concerns regarding the dating sites? Are you successful dating online? Who You Have Met?

Explore KissAndTellList - take your own tour. We welcome your comments!